My ex-best friend had a spider plant named Spock. It sat on her incredibly messy dresser in a plain blue-ish white pot. Stuck to the blue-ish white pot was a pale yellow Post-It-Note that read, quite simply, Spock.

For as long as I can remember it sat there, on her dresser, taking up space and growing and growing and growing like spider plants tend to do. I think we may have knocked it over once, but I’m not sure.

I wonder if Spock is still there.

My ex-best friend and I once fed, or tried to feed, her younger half sister a cocktail of bleach, urine and whatever other chemicals we could find in her bathroom. I don’t remember if she drank it or not. Later that day we convinced her younger step brother to eat his own feces. It didn’t take much.

I wonder what would have happened had the younger half sister drank that cocktail.

My neighbor and I used to run around looking for frogs during the summer months late at night. They’d only come out when it was cool, and damp - just like mosquitoes. Sometimes we’d catch them, but more often than not we wouldn’t. Occasionally they’d have an extra leg, or two, or they’d be missing one. It was always interesting to see how deformed they were.

The day we caught our first non-deformed frog in months was also the day we found an old wiffle ball, and a baseball bat. That afternoon, in the dusk we used his Swiss Army knife to cut the wiffle ball open enough to stuff the frog in it. Then we taped it shut and played baseball.

I remember going home and not getting in trouble but instead just hearing that sliver of disappointment in my mothers voice for the first time. I’d hear it often for the rest of my life.

I wonder if we killed that first non-deformed frog.

My one time enemy, one time friend, eventually enemy again, and I were on a school trip together. As all girls do at some point or another we played truth or dare away from chaperone’s. I think we sat in a stare well, 4 or 5 of us and asked each other silly questions. “Truth” she said. “Are you a virgin? If not tell us about your first time.” I replied. And so she told us about her first time being with this boy, who she later found out was her cousin and how they dated for awhile. And then the teacher called us from the top of the steps.

A few days later on the way home I sat in the back of the bus and whispered what she had said to a friend. And then another and another. Someone told and my one time enemy, one time friend, and eventual enemy again started to cry. When we reached the halfway point the teachers and her confronted me in the bathroom. I had to force myself to feel remorse for spreading lies. I couldn’t cry, and I got in even more trouble.

So I cried. And I still got in trouble.

I wonder if she remembers that.

Today, I sit here and wonder if I am a sociopath, a crazy person or if, maybe, I am just human. We all make mistakes and we all are capable of suppressing our emotions. Some more than others but we all can do it. We didn’t get in trouble for feeding my ex-best friends step brother shit. I didn’t get in trouble for mutilating a frog. I only got in a bit of trouble for spreading lies about a girl who everyone hated anyway. Throughout these experiences, and others I didn’t feel sorry or sad, or angry or much of anything until someone told me I was supposed to. And maybe that’s all emotions are - canned responses that other people tell you you should be feeling when and X and Y happen and A and B don’t.

When my ex-best friend and I were still friends we hung out in her room a lot. I guess Spock saw us grow up, as we watched him spread his tendrils and take over that tiny blue-ish white pot with a cream yellow Post-It-Note that labeled him to be who he was. I often remember wishing, when I grew up that I could be that plant and just watch and not feel anything.

I guess it worked.

white tendrils rise like balloons in the air
you breathe in and hold it in for a moment;
then, sighing into your cup
you relax for the first time in days.

this is my place to get away from the constant explosion that my tumblr normally is. i’ll be posting mostly text but also possibly some photos that i take and anything i create. i will probably not reblog, posting will be sporadic and for everything else(reblogs, conversations, etc) please visit myformertumblr.

pea ess: please be patient while i work out the newness. thanks.